A Man Should Add to Your Life—Not Become It

One of the biggest lessons I ever learned from my mom—and especially from my dad—was to never have to depend on a man.

Don’t ever put yourself in a position where a man has control over what you do, what you say, and how you think. Don’t ever let a man pretend like he holds some sort of power over your head. Don’t ever let him treat you with disrespect because you are a woman and he is a man. Only insecure, small-minded men will treat you this way. You should not ever put up with this kind of man—this level of disrespect toward you as a woman, or even as a human being. In the end, we are all human beings.

Unfortunately, some men will never take you seriously because of how they view women’s roles in relationships—or even just in general. I wish I could say that all men respect women, but not all of them do, and I refuse to pretend they do. I have had men tell me I am overreacting simply for speaking up about the way women are treated, especially when I point out how often men position themselves as superior. I have seen it happen many times, and I have heard the same stories from nearly every woman in my life. These men who dismiss your experience are not worth wasting your energy on.

If you find yourself with this kind of man, I need you to take a moment to reflect on what your life would look like right now without him keeping you from your potential and stealing your voice. Without him making you feel like you would be nothing without him. Without him holding anything over your head, like money or materialistic items or anything he has done for you. Without him doubting you. Who would you be right now?

Now, I know you’re going to start pilfering through the excuse box you have stored in your brain. I have one, too. I’m always pilfering through it, but I never feel satisfied after. For this specific situation, I’m sure you’re finding things like your children, the house, payments, family expectations, fear of starting over, etc. You’re losing yourself again. Why are you intentionally trapping yourself?

It’s not selfish to want to live your life, too. The life you dreamt up when you were young. When you still had your own dreams. When your success and achievements were worth celebrating. Before he shut it all down because you were not allowed to be more successful than him. Because you were not allowed to make more money than him. Because you were not allowed to be recognized for all your hard work. Because you were not allowed to demand respect because you are a woman and he is a man.

You were your own person before him, and you can be your own person after him. If you’re with a real man, you can be your own person with him.

A real, secure man would never hold you down, dim your light, make you choose between him or yourself, talk disgustingly about you behind your back, openly look at other women and expect you to turn a blind eye. He would never make you be his personal maid, or give you an “allowance” like you’re his child, or express disgust toward you because you’ve gained weight (even though he could lose a few pounds himself), or treat you like you’re an idiot. He would never disrespect you in any way.

A real man lifts you up. Makes you feel seen. Compromises with you. He kisses the stretch marks you so rightfully earned from carrying his child, and holds your hair back when you’re throwing up, and doesn't chip in on the conversation when the other men at work are degrading their own wives and girlfriends. He cleans the sink full of dishes because he can tell you’ve had a rough day. He says “thank you” when you make dinner because it isn’t just expected of you. (Men can cook, too, ladies.) He has your back when you have to defend yourself but also trusts that you can handle your own when need be. He knows that women are not lesser than men, and that a woman can make it on her own; but that she chooses him to live this life with—not because she has to, but because she wants to. Because she respects him and he respects her.

These kinds of men are not fairytales. They are out there, and they deserve your love the same way you deserve theirs. Until then, please, love yourself. Love who you are. Work hard for yourself, stick up for yourself, fight for yourself, pamper yourself, pay for yourself. Realize how worthy you are. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t value you the way you value yourself, or you’ll lose yourself to them. You can live your life on your own. You don’t need a man to be able to live your life.

If you’re already a wife or a girlfriend and you are with the kind of man I listed above—the disrespectful one—please don’t give up on yourself. It is never too late to get the life you wanted for yourself. I don’t care if you have been with him for six months, two years, or thirty years. You are not stuck. I know it feels impossible, and I know your brain is telling you that you are too far in, but you aren’t. You never were. The woman you were before him is still in there. Let her resurface. You deserve yourself. You have so much more to offer—to yourself, your children (if you have any), and the world—than to be a broken man’s shadow.

If you’re a man reading this and you disagree with anything I just stated, please ask yourself:

“Would I want a man to treat my daughter the same way I treat women?”

“Would I want a man to view my daughter the same way I view women?”

Be honest with yourself. Don’t hide from the truth. You know the kind of man you are, deep down. If you can’t answer “yes” with complete confidence, it’s time to take a hard look at your actions and change before your wife or girlfriend realizes the power and potential she carries—and chooses to live the life she truly deserves, with or without you.