The Screen Between Me and My Life

Let’s talk social media.

I have been using Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and TikTok—previously Musically—for at least ten years now. I have heard so many people talk about social media addiction, and I have even written essays about it in college. I genuinely didn’t realize that I had an addiction to social media until a few nights ago.

Some of you may read this and think I'm crazy for saying that. But have you ever actually checked how much of your day is spent staring at your phone? I used to think people blamed too much on social media. I couldn't understand why they couldn't separate real life from what they saw online. Then I realized I wasn't separating the two either.

After a long conversation with my mother about personal things I have been going through, I realized that this is all stemming straight from comparison to everybody else’s lives on social media. I was quick to learn that social media hides the messiness when I first started using it, so why is it that I still compare? I don’t even realize that I am doing it 99% of the time, but then I started listening to the things I was dwelling over. Like really listening. (Shoutout to my mom for helping me piece this all together!)

I’ve had this crazy desire to leave my hometown in search of bigger and better things since I graduated high school. Through social media, I see all of these beautiful cities, small towns, mountains, and oceans, and I yearn to see them all in real life. It makes me want to leave this place. This place, which already holds so much beauty, is where people from all over come to vacation, and I am trying to abandon it because I refuse to look up from my phone screen.

I am constantly beating myself up for being 22 years old and still working at a gas station. I see all of these other 22-year-olds who have all of these fancy clothes, nice cars, newest things, and memories from their trips across the world. But here I am, confused about what I want to be when I grow up. Still working at a gas station, trying to save up as much money as possible, which I suck at doing because life is not cheap and I like to spend money. My mom had my brother already and a full-time job when she was my age, so what am I doing at this gas station?? In the back of my mind, all I can hear is, “HURRY UP, MEGAN!” But I don’t know where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to be.

I also let social media completely take me away from my actual life. My homework doesn’t get done until last minute because I am a “procrastinator.” No, actually it doesn’t get done because I use social media to avoid my responsibilities because it gives me that instant gratification that my homework doesn’t. It’s like a kid who eats an entire bag of candy in one sitting. The sugar rush is so good, but the crash is unbearable. I rush and crash multiple times in a day, and most of the time I don’t even realize. I blame it on my lack of sleep, but my lack of sleep is from staring at my phone when I should be sound asleep.

Because of the instant gratification social media has always given me, I now can’t do simple daily tasks like folding laundry, doing dishes, showering, or even getting myself ready for the day without something to stimulate me at all times. My stimulant is music. If you are around me at all, I always, always, always, have music playing in the background. I wake up in the morning and get ready for work with music. I drive to work with music. I work all day listening to music through an earbud. I listen to music on the way home from work. When I get home, I let my dogs go the bathroom and scroll TikTok until they are done. When I come back inside, I start my homework with music playing in the background. My homework usually takes me all evening and night because I can’t stay off social media in order to get it done in a timely manner; therefore, I listen to music all evening and night. When I shower at night, I listen to music on a speaker in my bathroom. When I lay my head down to go to sleep, I scroll on TikTok for at least an hour because I tell myself that it is my “reward” for having completed my busy little day. I’ve heard this labeled as “bedtime procrastination.” I think this is just my addiction. It’s so bad that I will have music playing in the background while I read a book, which I know is weird because a lot of people have let me know that.

Social media has been feeding me all of these “what if” questions that have made me lose trust in my own instincts. It has me completely doubting myself and everything that my life is and ever has been because of everything that it could be. This leads to nothing ever being enough for me. Nothing is ever enough, and that is why I am never satisfied with anything. My relationships, my life, my weight, my hair color, my clothes, my makeup, my couch pillows, my bedspread, my front yard, my car, my laptop, my weekend plans, my house cleaning supplies, my coffee order, my job, my favorite pen, my body…it’s never enough. It’s never just right.

Ten years of my life have been spent satisfying two eyes that have never seen my bad angle. Ten years of comparison. Ten years of distraction. Ten years of overstimulating my brain. My sense of time has been altered from spending the majority of the last ten years staring at a phone screen. No wonder I can never just be happy. I can never JUST BE. Nothing has ever been enough because everything is in my hands on a screen.

It is so crazy to me that this is a real addiction that is happening in the world right now, and there are so many people who do not realize they are going through it also. I am fearful that one of my biggest regrets when I am old will be that I spent too much time staring at a screen instead of staring at the beautiful life that surrounds me. And I am fearful everyone else will feel the same way, too.

I don't have all the answers, and I'm not deleting every social media app tomorrow. I just know that I don't want another ten years of my life to disappear behind a screen. Maybe admitting that is the first step toward changing it. If this post makes even one person stop and think about how much of life they're missing while staring at their phone, then posting it was worth it.